Searching For a Former Clarity

I shouldn’t have to fight for his attention. There are too many people to want him. Maybe I...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 23:44:51 -0400

I shouldn’t have to fight for his attention. There are too many people to want him. Maybe I should just let them have him.

ncpr: Photo of the Day (http://ncpr.org/photo): “Kissin’...

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 14:53:19 -0400

ncpr:

Photo of the Day (http://ncpr.org/photo): “Kissin’ cousins.” Baby Raccoons. Photo: Bruce Dana, Morristown, NY

Two hours ago I told myself I’d get a head start on going to sleep early. I’m still...

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 23:05:57 -0400

Two hours ago I told myself I’d get a head start on going to sleep early. I’m still awake and will hate myself in the morning. Damn these never ending thoughts that keep me awake at night.

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Wed, 05 Jun 2013 16:01:47 -0400

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Wed, 05 Jun 2013 12:01:35 -0400

photographymidwest: Inspiration for Photography Midwest |...

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 08:01:29 -0400

photographymidwest:

Inspiration for Photography Midwest | photographymidwest.com | facebook.com/photographymidwest

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Wed, 05 Jun 2013 04:00:45 -0400

Sometimes at night when I’m driving down the highway and a car speeds past I uncontrollably...

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 22:57:25 -0400

Sometimes at night when I’m driving down the highway and a car speeds past I uncontrollably flash back to being in the passenger seat of your truck. Sitting next to you and holding your hand was some of the most peaceful moments in my life. We’d be speeding down the highway as if we had somewhere we needed to be when we both full well knew that we weren’t really headed anywhere. I felt so free in those moments with you. You were the anchor that held my world in place while my life was spinning out of control. I’d give anything to have one more ride with you. One more night of aimless wandering. One more chance to let you be my anchor.

I sit here and I stare at this computer screen thinking that I’ll find something that will...

Fri, 31 May 2013 04:00:45 -0400

I sit here and I stare at this computer screen thinking that I’ll find something that will make it all feel better. It only makes it feel worse.

I’m so lonely all the time.

It keeps coming back to me. That terrible what if question. What if I was gone? Then what? More and more lately it seems as if it wouldn’t matter at all.

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tightMay it hold...

Fri, 31 May 2013 00:05:44 -0400

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself

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Thu, 30 May 2013 20:01:10 -0400

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Thu, 30 May 2013 17:02:54 -0400

rockandrollandrustic: Source

Thu, 30 May 2013 16:01:47 -0400

rockandrollandrustic:

Source

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Thu, 30 May 2013 12:01:45 -0400

Let me fall for every empty word you say

Thu, 30 May 2013 08:01:23 -0400

Today while walking into a store to buy my best friend a birthday present I noticed in the window in an empty storefront next door a bird. It was trapped in plastic that had been put over the windows. It was fluttering about and crashing into the glass not comprehending why it couldn’t get outside. It was the most heart breaking thing to watch. Not wanting the poor thing to suffocate I called the phone number on the front of the building and talked to a less than enthusiastic leasing agent who claimed he would notify the owner. I knew I was being brushed off. I then went into the adjacent businesses and asked the managers if they would please call the landlord. I finally convinced someone to call. Whether he showed up or not I have no idea. I’ve spent the rest of the day feeling sick over the beautiful little bird that I am all but certain died a terrible death.

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I’m so sensitive to things like this. I can’t help but think back a few months to the dead mouse that I cried over. I know that most people don’t think twice about a dead mouse or a dying bird. I know it’s all part of life but it really hurts me.

I’m kind of sick of being this anomaly of emotional outpouring. Laying in bed just now I was thinking to myself how I would love to be able to go back and have do-overs of certain situations. I know I don’t always handle things in the best way and I wish I could have the presence of mind that I have in retrospect in the moments in which it actually counts.

I know I’ve been taken advantage of and I can only imagine what people on the other end are thinking or saying about me. I don’t want to say I’m naive, but I think in a lot of ways I am. I’m so apt to trust people and assume that everything is going to work out that I forget to hold back. It hurts when it all falls apart.

I’m exhausted. Mentally drained. I’m lost.

Right now the only thing left to do is lament a dead bird, and be frustrated at how my naivety has once again left me cringing at the awkwardness that is my own life.

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Thu, 30 May 2013 04:00:49 -0400

I always want to give up on fantastic opportunities before I even try because I’m too scared...

Wed, 29 May 2013 23:25:39 -0400

I always want to give up on fantastic opportunities before I even try because I’m too scared I’ll fail. I fell into the chance to do something I’ve always dreamed of, and I’m already thinking about backing out because I don’t think I can do it. I don’t know if I’m being smart and saving myself the embarrassment, or if I just lack so much self confidence that I’m ruining my life one missed opportunity at a time.

I’ve always shared myself so openly with others. I never thought it was weird (or viewed it as...

Tue, 28 May 2013 21:57:02 -0400

I’ve always shared myself so openly with others. I never thought it was weird (or viewed it as a flaw) until recently. I think the fact of the matter is that most people don’t want to hear unfiltered honesty. It’s too hard to digest. Which I can understand as I am not ashamed to say that I HATE it when someone doesn’t say what I want to hear…but over time I’ve learned to appreciate even the most hurtful truths in my life.

I wish people wouldn’t pull away when things get too real. I think it would be far less cowardly to simply say that they don’t want to deal with the truth at that moment.

Aside from my selfish wishes, I also hope that I can learn to filter out my own thoughts. I don’t think I need to be dishonest, but I do think that I need to learn to be quiet every now and then. If I don’t…I’ll always end up here. Feeling lonely and wondering why my friendships just can’t last.

The pinky swear…the closest I have to an unbreakable vow.

Sat, 25 May 2013 23:39:00 -0400

The pinky swear…the closest I have to an unbreakable vow.

There aren’t any words for how I feel now.

Fri, 24 May 2013 22:58:01 -0400

There aren’t any words for how I feel now.